i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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