Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
