i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
