I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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