I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
