I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
