How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
