I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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