girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
