the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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