you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
