So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
