His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
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Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
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I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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