i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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