just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
