I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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