remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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