I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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