I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
