the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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