I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
