Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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