a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Semen is not good for contacts.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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