Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
