Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
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Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
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Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
And then my night got REAL pukey
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize