Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
