angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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