No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
