I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
