I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
