I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
