im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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