can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
