i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
