God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
