bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
