Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
