real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jger and an empty bed here Friday.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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