apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
