Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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