Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
