I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
