Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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