Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
