Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
