Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
