My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
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Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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