pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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