Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
