i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
