i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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