Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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