I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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