I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I will die if light touches me.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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