i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
