worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
